Stop creating our own hurdles.

Things are in constant change, from the weather to our thought's, from moment to moment we walk through life in our own perspective reality, yet we share the same veiw and yet it is still completely different! How can we share an experience with others but not see the same things? My life is no different!

I'm living in a time where hurt people are hurting their friends, their family and the whole world with their hurt! And they may not even know it? We live in a time when even our own family lock themselves away in their own rooms, in their own thoughts, for days just because they don't see the point? even when they are encouraged, spending time with family, is more uncommon, just on the basis " no one understands me? So what's the point?", it's seems they have not seen their distance is what is creating the feeling! It shook me hard when I realised, I was creating the distance in my family, with my friends, everyone around me had been pushed away as I couldn't open up! I couldn't tell people how my whole world was falling apart and I was scrambling to cling on to the tiniest threads, of what could only be described in away of, threads of my reality! I've spent years in a place, of how I would describe now as, a perpetual ground hog day, to breath fresh air, I could not see the point in breathing, as we are all going to die!, I was stuck, and I didn't know where to get help? I didn't know how to ask for help? The doctor just wanted to push a bunch of pills and a label on me?, nothing felt right anymore, and I wasn't enjoying the lack of concern or help for me, a single human who just felt so alone in a crowded room, how hard could it be? Why wasn't there an answer for why I was feeling like this? I didn't know then, I have only come to innerstand more now.

I was a little boy, didn't have a father growing up, a teenager who thought back against all the rules and needed guidance in life, at 16 I was becoming a dad, and still I didn't know what a dad was, I had no reference to work from? This was all my own choice, I just didn't know!

My sister recently shared something with me and was equally shocked, she was speaking with a therapist who was talking about what they are defining as a poor up bringing, these statistics or percentages or pigeon holes don't mean alot to most, I think in summary nearly 90% of what the therapist was listing, my sister was shocked to realise that, what we grew up in, our family environment, was not a normal family upbringing, compared to how the family upbringing is seen, in today's standards? We just thought it was life!, we thought it was normal! I struggled to believe for one minute, I would choose what I went through to get hear, I have read books that tell of this belief?, I've watched videos on YouTube that people from all over the world share the same belief!. And even after reading these books, watching these videos, I struggled to see any of it being true! I looked at spirituality and went into it thinking it was all about becoming a hippy, I soon started to understand how the media had taken control over all our thoughts, the lies I was being surrounded with, were becoming unveiled, I soon learned a hippy is just that!, a hippy is just another label spread over a collective of topics, like spirituality is spread over, the overlapping of the two label's is the blurred area that my brain had put everything, literally everything was in a blurred section of my brain, the next discovery for me was, I was living from a blurred space in my mind!.

I was at a point of giving up on this life, I had lost all my kids, I had no one in my life who wanted to be with me, I couldn't see the point in breathing! I felt so isolated, everyone around me was walking on egg shells, no one wanted me around, they were just excepting, I was just around them! Their lives were going in directions that felt, to me like, away from me! My kids didn't know how I was constantly telling myself, all the bad bits of myself, the same old not being good enough, why would they want you around them, the thoughts were dark and never-ending, and everyone just kept wanting more from me! My whole life was as blurred as the space in my mind, it was so obviously the problem, now it is obvious, in that moment I was lost, stumbling in the foggy vision, I was searching for a quick solution, a life on medication was not an option, I was seeing how it was destroying people around me, I didn't want that, and yet I really didn't know what I wanted, it took me many more years of trying to find.

When I started my journey of self discovery, speaking to anyone about what I was thinking, feeling or experiencing would of landed me in a straight jacket and locked up for sure, talking about speaking with a alien being whilst meditating in the garden was not a conversation I could have with anyone around me, I was still trying to understand it? As time went on and my constant searching to try and understand how to stop my brain from trying to kill me was underway, I found a simple way to release built up emotions, so for me I was easing the load, music comes in so many forms and I found a form for all my emotions and started to find that in the music I was feeling, with all the hairs on my body connecting to the beat of the music, simbles were tingling around me like electricity in the air, the flow was lifting me higher and was able to release from that emotion. This was different when tried in different ways and here is were I was learning about me, it had started and I was still unaware of how far this journey would lead me, and the more I searched, the more the darkness was leaping forward, the rabbit holes were becoming harder to ignore, the drive in me to try and answer the question of why was pushing me to a place of hurt, pain and suffering was all around us, I didn't want to look at my upbringing, I didn't want to relive the emotions I felt as a child, the constant feeling of not being wanted had haunted me for so long, backed up with words from so called family members, how could I have wanted to do all these things to myself?

Why would I choose the pain to just come to understand its not my pain, I'm just around to be that person who was punched, kicked, fallen down the stairs, didn't do as they were told, never going to amount to much, always letting others down, the excuse were never ending, I just had to be that one for them! I didn't want to be that person anymore! I couldn't cope with who I had become, and no one could cope with who they thought I was! I was having more conversations in my mediations and I was getting to the point were I had started to believe I had created these beings in my crazy mind just to have some being, an imaginary friend, a therapist in my brain just to help me cope with life, I tried to fool myself in thinking that if I asked the question, have I just created you in my head, I would get my answer either way? Yes was the answer! I asked for proof of this being true, to be revealed to me, in that one moment in meditation, I had just a profound reality shifting experience of seeing complete connecting of everything, I turned into a child and was dancing around all these imaginary beams of light connecting everything together, I was dancing around the stars in the sky at night, they whooshing through my mind whilst I was following the beams of light, further away and yet i was still feeling the grass around me, I could still feel the breeze flowing through the Yorkshire mores, across miles of hills, as far as the eyes could see glorious views, it was a great place to be able to meditate, but in that moment I was learning, the place wasn't as important as I was thinking it was!, we are all connected!

I was a child and I felt so much love all around me, it was filling my lungs, rushing through every blood flowing vein, the feeling of love, unconditional love, the love I was searching for was now flowing through me at such a rate, in my body there was a feeling building that I was pushing against with whole belief, unconditional love! I was pushing against the very thing I was feeling in that moment, the breeze stopped, for a split second I was connected to the nothingness of it all! Nothingness caught in a single click of the camera shutter shutting to produce that second in time,a picture, the tapestry of life, the acashic records, the great big pearly gates in all their glory, all of everything, every belief from around the world, every religion, every community, all there, all in that moment, that single click, the answers to all the questions, for me this moment in time is still there on the mores, I haven't left that feeling, I just haven't wanted to share it with anyone, I was being selfish in this love, I was holding in my body, in my mind and in my soul. I was afraid, I still had only made it all up in brain to use it as a coping mechanism, but that feeling, I had never felt that, could my brain be so twisted, it would trick me into thinking this feeling was real? I soon really doubting my own thoughts, there really wasn't a hope to becoming normal from here on out, I made an imaginary reality that felt so loving I didn't want to leave, at a time in my life were suicidal thoughts were more, in my daily living life, and being part of the nothingness was only passing breeze in comparison, I was seeing I had created some of the best learning tools, I had put so many hurdles in my life, and each hurdle turned out to be a point of change, chance encounters became more purposeful, and more common.

I was doubting everything in my life, I couldn't trust my own brain, it was going against everything I was feeling in my mind, in every cell of my body, the feeling of going against that unconditional love I was wanting in me, I was so pushing that away from every cell, I was a frightened little boy, and for me it was becoming more apparent, that I was living my life from a fear driven perspective frame of thinking, and also realising the teachings on duality were in full swing motion, I was stuck concentrating on the finger pointing at the moon, being the finger it self completely unaware of how I had missed all the heavenly glory of it all! I have recently been reminded of a verse that is written in the bible, " forgive them lord, for they know not what they do!", so I couldn't remember where I had read it so I googled it, thinking it must hold some importance, it keeps coming to me, its a repeating message, Luke 23:34, go look it up, Googles choices gave me a translation of " And Jesus said "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." As they cast lots to divide his garments", for me I would call it cosmic humour as word for word it describes a passage in my life I'm living right now!

I've been walking around and telling people this, how I find comfort, in loving myself enough first and forgiveness for not knowing, whilst in this physical world people around me are claiming their stake, lots, on my belongings!. Yet this world is where we are all living, this is a small piece of my life, I have lived it, it has happened, but in the same moment you have lived yours too!, don't feel bad for what you did not know!, you wasn't there when it was happening? Was you? I forgave myself for not knowing, I thanked everyone in my life, who played a roll in showing me who they were, they could of chosen a different life, but they chose to be part of mine, so in meditation, in my walking life a thank you goes along way, wishes travel further and blessings are from God, may blessings fill your days as they have mine.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMYuMmsWT/

A previous post I shared on the old TickyTok 💜💫🙏